


Every day used to be the same

by RainbowPlane



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Also I can't guarantee a good ending, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, I had no idea it was going to become a multi-chapter fic, I just had to post this idea, Like, M/M, Most likely somewhat ooc, Not Beta Read, Please Don't Hate Me, Really dark stuff and thoughts, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, The major character death warning is only to be sure, for now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-05 08:24:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13383954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowPlane/pseuds/RainbowPlane
Summary: Every day is the same. It has always been the same. Every morning Akira would get woken up, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to school and then do some random activity through the afternoon, and another one in the evening. Things have been like this for quite a while now. He knew those activities are supposed to be helping him with his work as a Phantom Thief, but they just doesn’t feel like they’re useful. The only thing he gets out of it is some happy people around him, people who are happy to be doing what they do. But for him, nothing really feels right, he feels empty.In which the protagonist has severe depression, and Yusuke is trying his best to help.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *WARNING*  
> In case the tags weren't clear enough, this story contains real serious subjects including:  
> Detailed decription of self-harm  
> Depression  
> Suicide  
> And most likely some other dark stuff
> 
> Please be careful while reading.
> 
> (This is just an idea I've had in my head for quite some time. If you can handle the things mentioned above, please enjoy.)

_Every day is the same. It has always been the same. Every morning Akira would get woken up, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to school and then do some random activity through the afternoon, and another one in the evening. Things have been like this for quite a while now. He knew those activities are supposed to be helping him with his work as a Phantom Thief, but they just doesn’t feel like they’re useful. The only thing he gets out of it is some happy people around him, people who are happy to be doing what they do. But for him, nothing really feels right, he feels empty._

_But he doesn’t always feel like this. There have been some things that have made him feel a little happy, some people had a positive effect on his being as well. Although it isn’t enough to make him less depressed, it is what gets him through the days._

_One of this people is Yusuke. The little artist boy has always managed to put a smile on his face when the both of them met. He likes to buy the boy some food, but simply standing next to him when he observes everyone around him is really great as well. He only knows he could never as more from the boy than he already has. He has found himself guilty of taking more and more time from Yusuke to make himself feel better. Afterwards he only feels worse though._

_Not so long ago he had therefore decided to no longer spend time with the boy, since it will only harm the both of them if he did. The thought of only seeing Yusuke when meetings occurred were devastating to him, but it was a necessary step to take. It wouldn’t be long until everything was completely over after all._

 

It was yet another one of those simple days. They had all decided to go to Mementos to finally do some requests. Akira didn’t really feel like it, but he had no choice, it had to be done after all.

It was a really hot day, which affected the temperature inside of mementos as well. Everyone was feeling the heat and tried to free themselves from unnecessary clothing. Everyone but Akira.

‘’Joker, aren’t you really hot inside that black coat of yours?’’ Ryuji, or rather Skull, asked him.

‘’I am always hot.’’ He answered, jokingly.

‘’You know that isn’t what I meant dude. Why don’t you take that warm thing off? And don’t tell me it is because of aesthetic reasons or anything.’’

‘’That isn’t it, I just feel more comfortable in this. And it’s a little bit extra protection from attacks.’’

‘’I guess that’s true. But try not to pass out from the heat, okay?’’

‘’Alright. The next target it nearby right? Shall we get going then?’’

He quickly drove towards the third target of the day, trying not to think about the heat.

In there they found a relatively easy shadow, which should have been defeated within minutes. That was going to happen, until he suddenly collapsed. The whole team immediately stopped all their movements.

‘’Don’t stop fighting! I will take care of him. Fox, come help me!’’ Queen yelled towards the other team members. Everyone nodded their heads and returned to battle.

‘’Joker! Are you alright?’’ Queen came running towards him. Akira was only still slightly conscious. The heat has gotten to him. But he wasn’t going to accept that fact just yet.

‘’Yeah, I’m fine. There’s no need to worry.’’ He tried to sound as normal as possible, but he failed miserably.

‘’You don’t seem okay. I assume you have collapsed from the heat.’’ A fireball struck just next to them. ‘’Let’s get him to safety first.’’ Fox commented as he started to pick him up. Fox carried Akira all the way to the end of the place before gently putting him down again.

‘’Let’s first free you of that hot coat of yours. That should make you feel a little better.’’ Queen made a move to help him. But he didn’t let her.

‘’No need. Go to battle to finish this. We will return home after.’’ He tried to sound calm.

‘’But you are really overheated. Why are you even so fond of the coat in the first place?’’ Queen was quite confused about this whole thing. Why wouldn’t Joker just take his damn coat of when it was this hot? Even she had opened up her suit as far as she could while remaining modest.

Akira, on the other hand, didn’t know how to respond to the question while sounding logical and fine at the same time. So he tried to change the subject slightly.

‘’Fox, could you perhaps get me some ice in some way?’’ Fox didn’t expect that question, but he quietly did as he was told. Queen returned towards the others, who were nearing the end of battle.

‘’Here, but at least do something about those sleeves, those clothes really are unhealthy in this place right now.’’ Fox was already touching Akira’s arm when his wrist was forcefully grabbed.

‘’Don’t.’’ Was the only thing Akira said in responds.

‘’Why not?’’ Fox used his other arm to retry his attempt, which was a huge mistake.

‘’I said don’t!!!’’ Akira yelled at Fox as he forcefully withdrew both his arms. ‘’And don’t you dare to even try this one more time!! I’m completely fine without your help! Go help the others so that we can leave this place.’’

Fox was completely taken aback from this change of character, but he decided that questioning it wouldn’t get him anywhere in that particular moment, so he decided to obey his leader’s orders.

 

Soon the battle was finished. Queen drove Morgana straight to the exit, where Akira left without saying another word towards the team. He had only told Morgana to stay with someone else that night.

 He just needed to be alone. This was the only thing he had needed in his entire life.

 

Arrived at Leblanc Akira went straight upstairs, not even bothering to greet Sojiro. He then almost jumped on his bed, head first into his pillow. He felt like he had done something extremely stupid. He shouldn’t have drawn that much attention to himself, he shouldn’t have gone to Mementos today in the first place.

Soon Akira went to sit up straight to take a look at his arm, there weren’t even any recent wounds to begin with. He realised no one would have even noticed if he weren’t so damn worried about them.

‘Why do I always end up making everything worse?!’ He almost yelled to himself as he buried his face into his hands. The only thing he wanted to do was to cry, but nothing came out.

After sitting in that position for a while, and after he had heard Sojiro leave, he stood up. With a knife in his hand he returned to his original spot. He had already held the blade right at his arm as his rational thoughts finally took over, if only slightly.

‘No, not the arms! People will notice the arms!! Especially when your friends are already suspecting you!’ These were the thoughts that made him lift the knife again. Akira realised that he could still get away with his unusual behaviour, but only when he could casually prove there was nothing wrong.

He then stood up again, only not to return the knife to its original place, but to put down his pants. That was where the more worrying wounds were located, at the inside of his thighs. He hadn’t talked himself out of the idea of hurting himself, there was nothing that could stop him at this moment, he had only chosen a spot that was easier to hide. This is what he has been doing for a while now, to make it slightly easier for himself.

 

Akira held the knife firmly in his hand again. Doubting himself for only a second before making a quick slicing movement which resulted in a small cut. He didn’t do this for the feeling of pain, he hated the pain actually. It was more of a way to return his mind to a more peaceful state, and the scars remembered him of all the stupid things he had done.

Soon the second cut was made. This one was slightly deeper than the previous, resulting into a small trail of blood coming out of it. He never cuts to deep, even after everything he still doesn’t want to die like this.

The third one was a really painful one. He bit his lip harshly to make sure he doesn’t scream. Even when the café was closed, the walls around here are quite thin. He didn’t want to disturb the neighbours. A significant trail of blood ran down his thigh this time, he realised he might had overdone himself that time. He directly went to grab some tissues, before the blood had reached his bed or clothing.

After the bleeding of the third cut stopped slightly he looked down at his newly created wounds. He felt like there were still too little to ease him completely, so he ended up inflicting another few smaller cuts before laying the knife down completely.

 

He actually felt a lot better afterwards. After taking some slight care to his self-inflicted wounds he started to think again. He needed to come up with an idea to make his friends not worry about him again. There were scenarios of possible conversations running through his head and he began to think of the best responses in every single one of them. Soon he was certain he would get out of it without any problems.

After this he changed his clothes and got to bed, without Morgana there he really didn’t get that much sleep. Only a few hours of rest remains to him, but he was completely fine with it. It was all his own fault after all.

 

The following morning Akira woke up from the sound of his phone. It was a Sunday, so he didn’t feel like looking at it yet, he was still way too tired.

He only decided to pick up his phone at the third time he had heard it. He became curious who was even texting him at all.

First there were some messages in the Phantom Thieves chatroom. These messages were from last night, which he didn’t even realise he had gotten. Some people slightly expressed their worry for him, hoping he would confirm everything was still okay. But before he would do that he wanted to know who had sent him something this morning.

It was no other than Yusuke, the pretty artist boy himself. As Akira read the name he hesitated to open the messages. He realised that he was still way too weak for the boy, and he even made a vow to himself to not spend any time with the boy. But since he also couldn’t just ignore it he decided to open the chat and politely tell him he was fine, but still wanted to be alone.

The texts that he actually got were only quite unexpected.

_‘’I was wondering if you were okay, you seemed very unlike yourself the other day. I also want to apologize for overstepping my bounds yesterday as well.’’_

‘You didn’t do anything wrong! You were only trying to help, like the great guy you are’ Is what Akira thought after reading the first message.

_‘’I see you still aren’t awake, or perhaps you don’t know how to respond to it. I understand.’’_

Yusuke must have realised just how often Akira checks his phone, considering he got to this conclusion only after ten minutes.

The last message was something even he hadn’t accounted for. An unrehearsed scenario had occurred.

_‘’I am going to overstep my bounds yet again, since I will be heading over to your place to make sure you’re okay. I will apologize for doing so as I’m there. See you soon.’’_

Akira had never expected Yusuke to come straight to his place without an invitation. Now he had to worry about a complete different thing than he had last night. He also had to make sure he was dressed and looked fully healthy. And he needed to make sure to have a believable answer ready for everything Yusuke might have to ask him.

Before he had enough time however, the front door of the café was heard opening. Soon followed by Sojiro’s voice. What he had said remained unheard, but considering another very well-known voice responded, following by someone walking up the stairs, made it very clear what their conversation might have been about.

 

‘’I’m very sorry for intruding.’’ Yusuke said as soon as he was on the last few steps.

‘’It’s fine, I understand.’’ Akira reacted, trying to sound like his usual self as much as possible.

‘’I’m glad you do, I assume you have read the messages into the chat as well. Everyone is quite worried about your sudden collapse, and your reaction afterwards in particular. I couldn’t stand worrying, so I decided to check up on you.’’ Yusuke explained his reasons. He didn’t need to, since Akira had already realised his intentions, but he still wanted to.

‘’Why?’’ This was the only word Akira responded with.

Yusuke was quite confused, but he managed to answer the question anyways. ‘’Because I was worried for a friend, of course. Why else would I be here?’’

Akira was actually surprised this came so natural to Yusuke. He had been neglecting their relationship for a long time now, but Yusuke still saw him as a close friend. Close enough to check up on uninvited. Akira wasn’t entirely sure if he was happy or disappointed. His efforts of ignoring him were completely gone to waste, but there did was someone who cared for him this much.

Soon Akira snapped out of his thoughts, he remembered he should answer Yusuke again. ‘’Alright. But as you can see I’m completely fine. I was just a bit out of it yesterday, that’s all.’’ Akira tried to show his best, most genuine smile, although he wasn’t sure he succeeded completely.

‘’I’m glad to hear that. Since I’m already here, is it okay if we spent some time together. I have brought another art video with me.’’ Yusuke had no idea how to comfort anyone, so he just took the video with him in order to attempt to create at least some distraction, whether the other was fine or not.

Akira actually didn’t want to, but the kind look in Yusuke’s eyes made him agree to it anyways. It wasn’t like Yusuke was going to ask him any tough questions and he had already failed at keeping the boy at distance, so he supposed watching a video should be fine.

His stomach only remembered him there wasn’t anything in it, which resulted in one of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world. Akira didn’t feel like making himself something to eat, so coffee should do it. ‘’Before we start, can I offer you a cup of coffee?’’ Akira had asked the other, who was already setting up the TV.

‘’That would be quite enjoyable.’’ Yusuke responded.

Akira then went downstairs to make the two of them some coffee. Sojiro did ask him if he was feeling anything better, but he didn’t get into any sort of details. As Akira returned upstairs Yusuke was already found seated in front of the TV. Akira handed over a cup and the video started to play.

 

The video itself wasn’t anything special. Akira didn’t follow everything, but he thought it was about some well-known European artists and their significance to the art world. Yusuke didn’t move a muscle after it was over, which surprised Akira quite a lot. Usually he was quite fast to comment about the media. Akira realised he hadn’t even commented about anything during, which was something he had always done before.

‘’Not interesting enough for ya?’’ Akira asked jokingly, he didn’t really know what else to do.

‘’That’s not it, I’m sorry for acting uncharacteristically.’’ Yusuke hadn’t realised he had acted different. He had been way too deep into thought during the entire video.

‘’Then what is it? I have never seen you so quiet during anything art related.’’ Akira was worried Yusuke was now nervous around him or something. That could only result into accidents during battle or general uncomfortableness during meetings.

‘’Oh, nothing special really. I guess I’m still a little bit worried about your wellbeing.’’ Yusuke responded with an absent-mind.

It was clear to Akira that that wasn’t entirely true, something was bothering the artist boy a lot. And since he was way to curious he ended up questioning him again. Taking the risk of having to expose too much about himself at this moment.

‘’I can’t stop to wonder why you would have been so against taking of some clothes yesterday, the weather was truly unforgiving. Even as of right now you still managing long sleeves.’’ Yusuke only implied his worry about the other harming himself. He didn’t have any evidence, and he didn’t want to sound rude, especially when he was wrong.

‘’Aah, I see. I guess I kinda overreacted yesterday. I know you’re implying I do things to myself, but that’s not true. Here, look.’’ Akira held out both his arms after getting his sleeves up to show is arms. He might have put on some make-up on the scars to disguise them better, but he hoped the artist wouldn’t notice.

Yusuke on the other hand was slightly questioning it, but he didn’t see evidence of those questions, so he decided to drop it and apologize, for now. ‘’I’m sorry for questioning you for such a serious matter. I will make sure to never do so again.’’

‘’It’s alright, you were only worried for me after all. I sincerely appreciate that.’’ Akira had to really try to not smile brightly at the fact that he had talked himself out of it. ‘’May I offer you some curry to thank you for being such a nice friend?’’ Akira tried to sound so formal that it seemed funny. And with success.

‘’Although I really do enjoy your delicious curry, I do have some other manners I need to attend. I thank you for your time.’’ Yusuke said smiling. He stood up to walk downstairs.

‘’Let me walk with you to the station then.’’ Akira stood up as well.

‘’There’s no need. Oh, and please try not to forget to send a message in the chatroom. The others are quite worried about you as well.’’ Yusuke than said a last goodbye and went away.

Akira had decided to listen to the others advice and quickly sent a text;

_‘’Sorry for acting so weird yesterday, I am feeling quite on edge lately. It’s nothing to worry about though. I will be my usual amazing self again from now on_ :) _''_

Some people replied to express their relieve. Morgana apparently went to stay in Futaba’s room, on which she responded that he would stay there one more night to give Akira some more rest.

The rest of the evening he had spent wondering what he had done to deserve such amazing people as friends. He also realised just how much work there was left to be done if he wants to distance himself from them. Especially from Yusuke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That concludes the end of the first chapter I suppose.
> 
> I have no experience with regulary posting new chapters. (Since I tend to write the entire thing before posting parts of it.) So I don't really know when I will be capable of posting the next chapter. But of course I will try to get it done as soon as possible.
> 
> Thank you for sticking around till the end of this (Not really greatly written) chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there came the second chapter. I have officially now idea why I have started something like this, but now I am gonna finish it as well!
> 
> This chapter contains no descriptive stuff, only some small arguments >:)
> 
> (It's also slightly shorter than the previous, you will figure out why eventually.)

The following day Yusuke had gone to Leblanc as soon as he was done with school. He had a project to finish, so it was quite late already. As he stood in front of the door he realized that it was still likely Akira wasn’t back yet. He had always gone out until evening, doing all kinds of things. But Yusuke had the feeling Akira had stopped doing this, although he didn’t know why, so he decided to enter anyways.

‘’Hello there, he’s upstairs again.’’ Sojiro said as Yusuke came through the door.

Yusuke quickly thanked him and took the stairs. There he found Akira, seemingly doing nothing but staring at the ceiling. Yusuke did notice the star stickers he had given him located all around the room, it was quite a nice touch. Then Yusuke realized he hadn’t been noticed by the other yet, and directly after he saw the earbuds in the others ears.

Yusuke got closer and almost touched Akira as Akira’s eyes suddenly shifted towards him. Yusuke’s presence seemed to scare the other pretty hard, as he immediately jerked up.

Akira took one earbud out. ‘’What are you doing here?’’ He asked, still having an increased heartbeat from the surprising visit.

‘’I wanted to see you. We haven’t spoken properly in a while now.’’ Yusuke didn’t really know how to explain himself any further, he hadn’t thought about this move this much.

‘’Couldn’t you have sent a message?’’ Akira sounded more annoyed than usual. Just what was he thinking about before Yusuke came in?

‘’I did, you only didn’t respond, so I decided to invite myself in. I believed we were at least close enough friends for such things.’’ The message was already sent early in the morning, so Yusuke was certain the other had seen it.

Akira’s entire body jerked a bit by hearing the word friends again. He had tried to distance himself from Yusuke at much as possible these days, but that boy didn’t appear to give up anytime soon. And Akira couldn’t say he wasn’t a bit happy to see the boy again, that’s just how he responds to his presence. ‘’Alright then. What do you want to do?’’ Akira had given in, thinking one evening couldn’t ruin everything.

‘’Well, I have brought the book I talked about yesterday. Do you want to read it with me now?’’ Yusuke didn’t wait for a responds and got the book out of his bag immediately. Akira always seemed to like Yusuke’s books and videos, so he decided that that was the best course of action for now.

‘’Let’s get to it then.’’ Akira didn’t feel like getting up, so instead he patted the spot on his bed next to him, signalling the other to sit there. Yusuke did so and opened the book. Soon the both of them were engulfed into the book, with Yusuke pointing out and explaining all sorts of things. This is how Akira liked the boy the most, passionate. About halfway through however he started to lose focus, which was immediately notices by the boy.

‘’Are you alright? You look quite bored. Is the book no longer interesting enough for you?’’ Yusuke actually sounded a bit anxious, he probably really liked the book.

‘’Yeah, I’m fine, just a bit tired I suppose.’’ Akira didn’t really know why he was spacing out, maybe he actually was tired. ‘’Maybe I should get myself a cup of coffee, would you like one as well?’’ he offered to Yusuke.

Yusuke agreed, and Akira went downstairs to get them their coffee.

As Akira made the coffee he realised something. He was actually feeling a bit better after talking to Yusuke. He had been feeling down all week. The only thing he had done was staring at the ceiling and listening to music, he hadn’t had the energy to do anything else. But being in the presence of the boy gave him so much more energy, although Akira didn’t know whether that was a good or a bad thing yet.

Soon he had gotten upstairs with the two cups in his hands. As he handed Yusuke his cup he noticed a change on the others face. Yusuke’s eyes showed a hint of shock, and worry even.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ Akira asked. ‘’Is there something wrong with the coffee?’’ He himself couldn’t think of any reason for his expression to change like that, unless he had missed something.

‘’It’s nothing. Sorry.’’ Yusuke kept quiet after responding and began to drink his coffee.

Akira didn’t like this sudden change of atmosphere. There must have been something wrong. All kinds of scenarios flew into his head again. Little did he know that the worst case scenario was actually relevant this time around. ‘’There’s obviously something wrong. Please tell me.’’ Akira became quite anxious, he needed to know why. He needed to ease his mind again.

Only his mind wouldn’t be at ease at all after Yusuke responded honestly.

‘’Did you know that the sleeves of that shirt shorten quite a bit when you extend your arm?’’ Yusuke bluntly asked. He didn’t know how to bring up this topic at all. He had never had any great social skills, so he ended up implying something again.

Akira was a bit confused at first, but soon he realised what the other had meant. He had fucked up for real this time.

As the room became quiet yet again Yusuke decided to speak again. ‘’I suppose you didn’t then.’’ He took another sip from his coffee before speaking again. ‘’Could you maybe tell me what’s really going on, instead of telling me yet another lie?’’ Yusuke speech changed into something more emotional at the end of his question, this shocked Akira quite a bit.

How was he supposed to respond here? Was he truly forced to tell the truth? Or might there still be another way out?

Even if telling the truth was the most rational thing to do, he just couldn’t do it yet. So he made himself a story.

‘’I’m sorry Yusuke. Those are old wounds. Here, you can look at them.’’ Akira reached out his arms, this time they aren’t covered in make-up, which made all his scars painfully visible.

Yusuke out his cup aside to take a closer look. The actual sight of such scars shocked him, but he saw no recent wounds were there. Yusuke trailed his fingers across the scars, not realising Akira could be uncomfortable with him doing so.

Soon Akira pulled his arms back. He had enough time to finish the creation of his story, now only the believable delivery remained. ‘’I started doing this after I was convicted, I guess I couldn’t handle it to be labelled as a criminal.’’ Akira wasn’t entirely lying there, he did start hurting himself around that time. ‘’But I stopped sometime after meeting all of you. The nearby doctor has given me excellent help as well. I’m getting on the right track again.’’ Akira saw a small trace of disbelief in the other’s eyes, but he decided to continue anyways. ‘’I didn’t tell you, or anyone else, anything because I didn’t want to burden you. I’m sorry for keeping this a secret, but everything is going much better now, so there’s no need to worry for me.’’

Yusuke was at the brink of believing him when he realised how skilled Akira was at lying. And something inside him told him this wasn’t the entire truth. So he spoke his mind. ‘’Are you being completely honest with me here?’’

‘’Of course I am. Just why would I lie about such things?’’ Akira might have sounded a bit too annoyed saying that, but he was tired of being questioned, even though the boy was completely right.

‘’Some things just don’t add up completely, that’s all.’’ Yusuke didn’t even think anything he said through anymore. He wanted to know the entire truth. Akira had been acting way to weird the last week, he wasn’t fine right now at all.

Akira actually became even more annoyed, angry even. He started to raise his voice slightly to the boy. ‘’Can’t you even believe such a personal explanation at least?! I haven’t even told anyone this, so try to be at least a bit more sensitive!’’ He started to fully yell at the end. This made Yusuke flinch from the sudden sound increase.

‘’I-I’m sorry. I’m only worried about you, that’s all.’’ Yusuke spoke quietly. He didn’t know what to do. Instead of helping the other he had only made him mad. And Akira was terrifying when mad.

Akira had completely lost control over his emotions by now, so he started to yell even harder. ‘’I don’t need your worry! Can’t you understand that?!! I know you are an eccentric one, but even those people should at least be able to take a hint!!’’ He didn’t even regret saying that, at least not at that moment.

Yusuke remained quiet, he was at a complete loss for words. There was no way for him to save this conversation.

‘’Are you just going to keep quiet? If so, I would prefer it if you go home or something. I don’t need you here.’’ Akira’s voice toned down just a bit. But he still sounded as angry as before.

Yusuke regained his composure and stood up. ‘’I suppose I should go. Do realize I only questioned you because I was worried. You aren’t the first who I’ve seen act like this.’’ With those words Yusuke left. Leaving Akira behind with his thought yet again.

 

As soon as Akira had realised what he had done tears started flowing down his face. These were the first tears he had cried in months, even when he had felt like crying almost every day. How could he have done this? He knew Yusuke was sensitive, he knew Yusuke wasn’t able to handle such outbreaks. But still he had done so, yet another time. He had curled himself up in a ball, and remained crying like this for a very long time.

 

The following morning Yusuke had regained himself completely. He had decided to get the full truth out of the other, no matter what. He didn’t want to be incapable to help Akira, especially since Akira had helped him so much as well. He had also realised something else that night. He felt more for the other than just friendship. Although Yusuke didn’t know how to put it into words yet, he did know his feeling were something more. This realisation had given him the strength to visit Akira again. Since it was a Sunday he decided to visit in the late afternoon.

‘’Sorry for intruding.’’ Yusuke said as he got into the others room yet again. This time he only found the other still asleep. He wasn’t entirely sure, so he decided to slowly wake the other up.

Akira had slept for at least fourteen hours by the moment he was woken up. And seeing Yusuke’s face first thing of the day wasn’t such a bad thing either. He was actually quite happy for a split second. This was until he remembered last night again.

‘’Good morning, or perhaps good afternoon is more appropriate by now.’’ Yusuke said as Akira opened his eyes. This actually put a small smile on Akira’s face, which made the other smile in responds.

‘’Hey, thank you for still coming here. I thought you wouldn’t after everything I have said yesterday.’’ Akira spoke softly as he went to sit upright. He hesitated before speaking his next words. ‘’I’m sorry.’’

Yusuke was really happy to see that the other had a better mood. ‘’There’s no need to be sorry, I understand.’’

‘’You can be way to kind.’’ Akira said in responds. Yusuke went to sit beside him again, which resulted into Akira remembering a small bit of their conversation from the other day. ‘’I wanted to ask you something, before we’re going into the deep stuff about my shit, if that’s okay with you.’’ Akira said.

‘’Go ahead.’’

‘’Right before you left you talked about someone, someone who had acted in a similar way as I did if I remembered correctly. Who is this person? And what happened to them?’’ This was something that still confused Akira. He hadn’t seen Yusuke being social to many other people, neither had he heard him talk about possible friend he had in school. He had only talked about how much others avoided him, so for Yusuke to speak about anyone besides the group was quite rare.

‘’I talked about a person I knew from school. He’s a second year as well.’’ Yusuke started to explain. ‘’Although I didn’t know the guy very well I did talk to him regularly. Until one day that is.’’ Yusuke became quiet again.

‘’What happened?’’ Akira asked. He had noticed how hard it was on Yusuke to talk about this, but now he was curious about the whole story.

‘’He attempted to kill himself.’’

Now everything became even clearer to Akira.  ‘’I see, I’m sorry.’’ Were the only words he managed to say.

‘’There’s no need to be, he didn’t even die. I believe you’ve seen a similar event at your school as well.’’ Yusuke remembered them talking about a girl who jumped of the roof, which resulted into the first change of heart of the beginning group. Although he had never spoken about his experiences, he somehow felt sympathy to them, for having seen the same thing.

Akira didn’t know what to say for a moment. Yusuke did imply he was worried of him doing the same as well. Although the boy wasn’t entirely wrong there, there was no way he could just say so.

Yusuke started to talk again. ‘’I could have prevented it though. I had seen the signs in his behaviour way before he attempted to die.’’ Yusuke looked down. ‘’I guess that’s why I kept pushing you, I didn’t want it to happen again.’’

Another silence filled the room. This time it was Akira who decided to speak. ‘’I understand, but you should know there’s nothing to worry about. I won’t just kill myself so suddenly.’’ Another small lie to ease Yusuke, but he was having none of that again.

‘’Could you maybe stop lying? That would make this conversation a little bit easier.’’ It sounded a bit blunt, but Yusuke was a bit done with the extended lies he was being told. He needed to really hear the truth, and he needed it now.

Akira had no idea how to respond. He had been called out pretty hard, so lying wasn’t an option anymore. But telling the truth was impossible either, he just wanted to escape from it all. ‘’You’ve left your book here yesterday.’’ Akira tried to change the subject.

‘’Where are you cutting yourself?’’ Yusuke asked, seemingly completely out of the blue.

‘’Why are you asking me that question so suddenly?’’ Dodging the question seemed the only way for him to survive this one, but no technique could help him now.

Yusuke tried to think of a tactical way to bring his next sentence, but he gave up about halfway through and just stated the truth. ‘’You’ve left you knife laying around on your desk. It’s still covered in blood as well.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today marks the day I ended a chapter with a cliffhanger. I'm sorry for doing so, but it just felt right for some reason.
> 
> Also I have finished writing the rest, and only one chapter remains apparently . (I can't seem to figure out how to write longer once it seems) So if you're interested stay tuned for the next and final chapter, which should be uploaded somewhere next week.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry

_‘’You’ve left you knife laying around on your desk. It’s still covered in blood as well.’’_

Akira quickly looked in the mentioned direction. He hadn’t even thought about it until Yusuke said that. He felt really stupid for not even doing such a simple task. He attempted to keep his composure, even when hiding wasn’t an option anymore. Hiding the truth has become impossible.

‘’I suppose you wouldn’t believe me if I told you I was into some kinky stuff, right? Even murder wouldn’t do it.’’ Akira said jokingly, which was more an attempt to ease his nerves than to lighten the general mood. ‘’I guess we’ve come too far for me to keep it a secret.’’

Then Akira stood up, actually showing the other the wounds instead of just telling. The wounds from last night were significantly deeper than every one he had made before. Yusuke reached out to touch the wounds, but before he could Akira covered them up and went to sit down again.

‘’Does that answer your question?’’ Akira asked after giving the other some time to process what just happened.

Yusuke was still in shock after what he had seen. He had already anticipated the truth, but being confronted with it still felt really painful. After some more time he finally responded. ‘’Yes.’’ Was the only word that left his mouth.

Another silence fell between them. Akira started to doubt every move he had made so far more and more. Maybe he should’ve just lied again, no matter if he was going to be believed or not. His thoughts went down yet another downwards spiral, until Yusuke spoke again.

‘’Why?’’

Akira was taken by surprise. ‘’What do you mean?’’ He had no idea what Yusuke’s precise question could be.

‘’Why did you start doing this to yourself? I know people tend to get addicted, but everyone must have had a reason to start, right?’’ Yusuke spoke softly, as he was uncertain how to phrase his words.

Akira had to think about this question for a while, he didn’t really remember what made him start. What was the moment he had started to feel like this? Had he even felt normal or happy before? ‘’I don’t really know. The actual cutting started half a year ago, but I can’t remember the specific reason. I’m sorry.’’ Even Akira himself didn’t know why he was apologising for this.

‘’I’m sorry if it starts to look like I’m interrogating you, but I have another question for you.’’ Yusuke finally lifted his head up again, looking the other in the eyes.

‘’Go ahead, I at least own you some answers I suppose.’’ Akira nodded his head as well, confirming Yusuke was free to ask anything.

Yusuke tried to carefully chose his next words, but he ended up asking his question just like he had first come up with it. ‘’Why have you been ignoring and avoiding me?’’

Akira knew this question was going to be asked once, but he wasn’t ready to answer it yet. Those feelings were on a whole new level he wasn’t sure how to explain yet. Instead he looked away again, his eyes now directed at the ground.

Yusuke had picked up the non-verbal hint and decided to go first. ‘’I don’t know your reasons, but I was real heartbroken to see you ignoring every message I sent you. Every day I stood there at the station, waiting, hoping you would finally show up again. I know I am in no position to say such things, considering the fact that you have probably been through a lot, but I guess I should at least tell you how I felt about it.’’ Yusuke saw Akira’s body tense up a bit while he was talking. He knew he had made the other felt somewhat guilty. But there were things that had to be said, and these moments might have been the only opportunity. ‘’Do you know why I wanted to see you over and over again?’’

Akira turned his head again after hearing the question. This was something he had asked himself so many times, and he was still asking himself the question. Just why would Yusuke remain offering him to hang out when all he did was ignoring him?

‘’It was because you are more than a friend to me.’’

Yusuke had one small tear running down his face after saying that. It was something he had kept hidden for a long time, saying it out loud was quite an emotional moment for him.

Akira now completely lifted his head as he saw Yusuke wipe the tear of his face. He was still at a complete loss for words, but he could at least move his body enough to show his answer.

He quickly wrapped his arms around Yusuke and buried his face into the others neck. Yusuke was obviously taken by surprise, but soon he relaxed and hugged, the now crying, Akira back tightly.

‘’Can I assume you have at least somewhat similar feelings from your responds?’’ Yusuke asked, he wanted to make sure he had gotten the hints correct.

‘’Of course you can. I really do love you.’’ Akira’s voice shivered while saying that. He tightened his grip on Yusuke and cried even more. ‘’I didn’t want to give in to that feelings, I wanted to be alone so I wouldn’t hurt anyone, so I ended up ignoring you. I’m sorry.’’ With that responds Yusuke started to really cry as well.

The two of them then remained into each other’s arms for quite some time. Yusuke stroking Akira’s back and occasionally petting his head.

After Akira had calmed down enough he let go of the other. Yusuke was surprised by the sudden movement, but before he could react the other looked straight into his eyes and spoke up. ‘’I don’t know if I can manage to make you happy at all.’’ Akira said, sadness filling his eyes again.

‘’There’s no need for you to do so. I will be happy as long as you’re by my side. Getting you back on track is the most important task after all. That is what will make me the most happiest after all.’’ Yusuke pressed his forehead against the other’s. ‘’So, please don’t try to leave me before I could do that, okay?’’ He asked.

Akira didn’t respond to that question. Instead he took the opportunity to quickly kiss the other’s lips, followed by a question. ‘’Are you going to stay the night? Otherwise the last train will be going fairly soon.’’

‘’If it’s okay to you I would gladly stay. I can’t believe I have been here for so long already.’’ Yusuke then decided to look at the time for the first time. He had been there for a really long time. It was now pretty late in the evening already. ‘’I guess we’re lucky we have the next day off.’’ Yusuke tried to lighten the mood a bit, and Akira gladly took the opportunity.

‘’We sure do. So, are we going to argue like those people in stories always tend to do, or are we just going to share the bed immediately?’’ Akira smiled while asking the question. Yusuke actually turned red.

He followed by a confused question. ‘’What’s wrong with sleeping on the sofa?’’ He asked, pretty confused.

‘’Well, I am not going to let you sleep on the sofa, it’s way too small. And if you care enough for me you wouldn’t let me either.’’ Akira started to explain.

Yusuke nodded. ‘’I suppose that’s true.’’

‘’Then our only remaining option would be to share the bed, right?’’ Akira grinned while looking at Yusuke’s still slightly confused face. Even though the boy had figured out so much, he could still be completely clueless. This was one of the things that made him adorable though.

‘’I think I can understand that logic.’’ Yusuke finally answered. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to sleep next to the other, feeling Akira’s body next to his own would feel really reassuring, but it was still pretty awkward for him.

‘’I shall get you some more comfortable clothes.’’ Akira said as he stood up. He grabbed some clothes out of the box on one of his shelves and handed them to Yusuke.

After the other was changed they went to lie down besides each other.

‘’Are you even capable to sleep right now? I do remember finding you here still sleeping relatively close in time from now.’’ Yusuke asked.

‘’Crying makes you tired I suppose.’’ Akira answered.

Some time went by with the two of them turned away from each other until Akira spoke again.

‘’Can you do something for me?’’ He asked, not even knowing if the other was still awake. A responds was heard pretty quickly though.

‘’Of course, what is it?’’ Yusuke asked.

‘’Could you hold me?’’ Akira felt real vulnerable while asking. But he kind of needed the reassurance of Yusuke’s arms, maybe he would actually get a good night of rest then.

Yusuke didn’t respond in words at first, he just turned around to do as asked. After he had settled down against the other he spoke. ‘’I love you, so much.’’ He whispered.

‘’I love you too’’ Akira whispered back, right before he fell asleep.

 

The following morning Yusuke woke up, only to feel an absence in his arms. He wondered if he had only dreamed last night moments. That was until he opened up his eyes and didn’t find himself in his own bed, but in Akira’s. Did make him really wonder where the other had gone to.

He went to sit up and looked around, confused. He panicked a little, fearing for the worst. Little did he know that the worst really was reality as well. Soon he saw a note laying on the desk, right beside the still uncleaned knife. The note seemed to have been written in a hurry:

 

_Good morning my dearest Yusuke,_

_I suppose you have woken up really confused._

_The only thing I can tell you is that I am sorry._

_I am so sorry._

_This will be the last words you will ever see from me._

_Please remember that I really did love you._

_Never forget that, never._

_And please tell the team to move on without me._

_I will be leaving you and the world behind me._

_There was nothing you, or anyone, could have ever done to stop this._

_I have lived my life the same way every day._

_Every day used to be the same._

_But now my days are over._

_Always remember that I loved you._

_Maybe we will see each other again, but not right now, and not in this life._

_Goodbye._

Yusuke stared at the note. He couldn’t believe what was in it, so he reread the entire thing over and over again. Over and over until he let teardrops fall onto it.

He collected his thoughts. Maybe he wasn’t too late? Maybe he could find Akira before he truly departed this world. He knew people tend to take their time while doing something this permanent. Maybe there was still hope?

He desperately sought for a possible place he could have gone. Was he going to jump off somewhere? Yusuke ruled that possibility out, he didn’t want to border anyone unrelated, jumping would only cause trauma to those close.

Then he remembered a conversation the two of them had before. At the park.

_‘’I guess this is one of the few places into the city where you could truly be alone.’’_

Those were the words he had spoken about that place.

Yusuke didn’t have any other lead, so he just went with it. He couldn’t remain still for much longer. If he had any possibility to get to Akira in time, he should. So he started running.

 

There was only one thing on Yusuke’s mind as he ran. ‘Please, let me be there on time.’ He ran all the way, and he soon arrived, completely out of breath.

The park was still quiet, only a small portion of people with dogs and some joggers were present. Yusuke had no idea where he should start to look, the place was just too big.

But then he realised there was a specific type of place needed for such an act, a place where no one would get close to. And then he thought of the exact location. The two of them have been there before, Akira had accompanied him there. The peace and quiet of the place was a really good place to create art.

Yusuke started sprinting again, now knowing his exact goal. Soon he had reached the place.

‘’No!!’’

 

He fell to the ground as soon as he saw it. The tree he had painted before, now decorated with a lifeless body.

He was too late. Akira had left this world, he had no chance to safe him now. Right after the two of them had shared their feelings for each other Akira had acted upon his long lasting thoughts.

‘’Why? Why did you have to feel like this?! Weren’t I enough to at least save you?!!’’ Yusuke started screaming into the air.

Tears were streaming down his face, and he fell to his knees. ‘’If you had only told me, I could have at least tried to help you.’’ He then remained on the ground for several moments, crying his heart out.

And at the moment he stood up again to look at the body of the one he loved a new thought crossed his mind.

_‘I wonder what the view must have been like from up there.’_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah.... So this happened...
> 
> I have made clear from the beginning that a happy ending wasn't a guarantee, but even I had trouble with ending it like this.. I might, or might not, have made myself shed a few tears while writing this part. 
> 
> But overall I hoped you enjoyed reading it, even when it most likely didn't make you happy at all!
> 
> I am planning to make an Akira/Akechi fic with some simmilar themes as this one, so you might see me return with another depressive story later. This one was on the extreme side though, I doubt it that I will write something this dark again, but you never know. :)


End file.
